The following article, written by Daniel Staines, appeared in an issue of Australian games magazine, Hyper. It was forwarded to me by my landlord:
Let's imagine for a second that you've just signed up for the Hyperactive forums. You've chosen an obscure nickname by picking a word at random out of your physics textbook, you've got your moody Sephiroth avatar and your signature features no less than three profound quotes from the latest Japanese RPG you're obsessed with. What next? Since you're a forum rookie, you'll probably want to begin by starting an interesting and intelligent topic to announce your presence and impress the powers that be. After a quick breeze through the Off Topic archives, you notice that old games - particularly ones from the late 80s and early 90s - always make for well populated threads full of respected posters gleefully waxing nostalgic about their fondest childhood memories. Seems like the perfect way to make your grand entrance...
But wait! Oh, no! You're a late PSX-generation gamer! Your earliest gaming memories consist entiely of Metal Gear Solid, Final Fantasy VII and Super Mario 64 - you don't know anything about the Intellivision, Atari 2600 or Super Nintendo! Whatever shall you do?
Don't fret, little padawan. With Hyper's Easy Five Step Guide to Becoming an Old School Gamer, you'll be just as jaded, cynical and irrationally nostalgic as the most wizened of elder gamers! Ingest our easy-to-follow advice and you too will be capable of engaging in extended discussions on the virtues of archaic text adventures and 16-bit platform games that are actually thinly veiled advertisements for multinational fast-food conglomerates. So if you don't know a Colecovision from a Commodore 64, then read on - and prepare to be educated.
Step One:
"Would you like to see my mint-condition Intellivision?"
Nothing screams "old-school" like a bedroom closet full of disused and obsolete gaming hardware - particularly if they come replete with the original peripherals, packaging and instruction manuals. It doesn't matter if you've actually played any of the machines you own, just as long as they still work and therefore could theoretically be pulled out at any moment for an impromptu nostalgia-fuelled gaming session. Of course, you'll never actually do that. In fact it is absolutely taboo to so much as think of plugging in any of the old consoles you own. The only time these electronic dinosaurs should see the light of day is when you open your closet to show disinterested visitors your totally killer collection of "classic" hardware.
It is also necessary to own at least three games for each of the consoles you own. Once again, it is not necessary to actually have played any of these games or even heard of them. All you need are boxes, instruction manuals and the ability to talk about every game you own as if it were a matchless classic that could never be reproduced by the capitalist pigs that run today's game studios. And remember: the more obscure a game is, the more old-school points it's worth for you.
Step Two:
"You mean they had magazines back then?"
Before the Internet came along, there was only one place a self-respecting hardcore gamer could go to get their fix of gaming news and reviews: magazines. As such, it is expedient for anyone wishing to claim the status of "old-school" to have a favourite games magazine from the same era as the consoles that now inhabit your bedroom closet. The only proviso on this is that the games magazine you choose as your elder tome must be British. The old English games rags offer a distinctive style of gaming journalism - the type that went out of fashion when people stopped using the term "naff" to describe things they don't like. They are therefore the connoisseur's choice, which archaic rags like Zzap, Super Play and CVG enjoying an almost legendary status in nostalgic gaming circles. If you can find these mags, buy them and stack them up conspicuously in your room. You don't have to read them. In fact, it's better that you don't. Like parchments from a lost civilisation, they are better left untouched and preserved in their original state for the benefit of future generations... or, you know, something like that.
Step Three:
"It's all about the graphics now..."
Now that you've gone out and acquired all the possession's necessary for an old-schooler, it's time to cultivate the attitude of one. The first thing you must learn as an aspiring elder gamer is that all games made after 1995 suck. Why 1995? Well, it was around this time that gaming apparently went "big business" and became "commercialised" by "suits" that were only interested in dollars over the art of creative game design. Modern gaming, you must understand, is entirely focused on technology. Everything is about producing pretty graphics, with gameplay taking a backseat to the whims of slavering polygon junkies desperate for their next frame-per-second fix of pixel-shaded pixie dust. Gaming today is run by corporate fatcats and is incapable of capturing the grandeur of forgotten classics such as E.T., Burning Desire and Super 3D Noah's Ark. It's all about the graphics now, man - it's all about the graphics.
Step Four:
"All new games are just clones of old ones."
There are times when even the most zealous old-school gamer has to take off their rose-coloured glasses for a moment and reluctantly admit that some new games can actually be quite good... even if they're not coded by a lone garage programmer over one sleepless weekend of Jolt Cola and Domino's Pizza. This is where Step Four of our five-step plan comes into action. You see, it's quite reasonable to assume that the cogs of corporate hegemony are capable of grinding out good game ideas because the fact is that they can simply steal old ones and redress them in their precious polygons. So, like Diablo for example? That's just Telengard with better graphics. Tomb Raider is simply Last Ninja with extra breasts, EverQuest is a glorified MUD and every bizarre Japanese game ever released can be traced directly back to Wizball. Now you don't have to drop that haughty disdain you've been cultivating when faced with a quality new release - after all, odds are it's probably just another Pac-Man clone!
Step Five:
"Games are much better when you don't have to play them!"
The final step to true elder gamer enlightenment is also the most important. In order to remain a true old-school gamer, you must NEVER actually play any of the old games you spend so much time rhapsodising about. There's a marked difference between fond memories and uncompromising reality, and this distinction is never more evident than in the case of old videogames. The unfortunate fact is that most old games are pretty crap. Actually playing them will simply make this reality uncomfortably evident and hinder your ability to talk them up with the maniacal zeal to which all old-school gamers become accustomed. Heed our advice: playing old games is dangerous and will inevitably lead to a crisis of faith. Instead, stick to playing new ones and vigorously complaining about them on every gaming forum you've ever heard of.
After all, this is the tradition of the old-school.
